Reeking

Im a bit slow with news, I tend to miss them and especially the interesting ones. Like when the amazing horse Hickstead died during the world cup, live, nationwide. And today my mother (pretty embarassing somehow) wondered if I had seen the worldfamous jockey Espen Ski push a fellow rider during a race. “Well, ofc” I responded and turned to google. Even if I feel embarassed that my mum knows more about what’s happening in ‘my’ sport, it’s nothing compared to how embarassing it is to see such a great jockey behave like this. Seriously? You break my heart Espen.. That’s not okey. Shame on you!

Almost

3 hours sleep before crawling through Shitlake to the trainstation to meet up with my mother. Im glad I didnt have to get further on my own, or I would have turned back home and pretended it was all just a dream or imagination. 4 and a half hour later we land in Stockholm, taxi to the racecourse and after alot of nervous giggles we managed (somehow) to find the right stable. I have to be honest here, first thought when I saw him was “hell no..” but after only a few seconds it was just pure love. The guy is so calm, down to earth, reticent and pleasant. Exactly what I need to feel comfortable. Hopefully he thought he same, because we went straight for having a look at the horses, say hi to the other employes and discuss the work. At the end, we only had one small problem; I need somewhere to live. I mean, come on.. A big city! Shouldnt there be full of apartments? Not a single freaking place. Unless Iw ant to share with some perv that rents a room, but only to girls, or places for insanely prices and where Im not allowed to bring pets. Mufinz is not a pet, she’s my baby! But nu-uh.. No apartment for me. Great.. Here Inot just find but also get my dreamjob, my boss is 76 year old and knows pretty much everything and he’s so amazing with the horses, so tender and caring, and it’s impossible to get a place to sleep and have my cat and computer while I work. My only hope atm is a random guy who wants to rent his tiny tiny tiny apartment while studying in some other city, I’ve been watching my mail constantly all weekend, hoping for a response. Why is it so hard to read a mail? Come on! Just give the goddamn apartment to me! Rawr!

Jubilant

Like always there is some ups and some downs. Whoever created life must have been a big fan of rollercoasters, because it’s the only way to describe it with. Currently, Im on a flow. Almost. It’s surprisingly how people I thought where my friends leaves me when I starts to become happy. The happier I get, the further away they end up. Or is it me, not noticing creating the distance? I have had alot to think of lately – it’s not an excuse, just a statement.

After giving up on the english trainer and recovering from the disappointment, I found the will to keep working for finding my dreamjob and I put together a short but honest mail about myself and my knowledge and sent it to Svensk Galopp‘s inititative to get young people into the sport, called Ung Galopp. Two hours later I got the first phonecall, from a trainer who offered me to ride for him on mornings. Since I lived too far away and want full part, I said no. The day after I recieved another phonecall, from a trainer on Täby Galopp, and he wanted me to come up and test ride for him. I felt amazed, so huged to get a chance to ride for a trainer on Täby with so many good horses through the years, a trainer with so much experience. That he even considered me and wanted to give me this opportunity is a victory in itself and even if I dont get the job, Im still very proud of myself.

So.. After melting the news and trying to get back down on the earth, Im trying to sort the trip up to our capital city to ride on the amazing track of Täby. Do I need to mention how nervous I am? I seriously can’t focus on anything else atm, it still feels like a dream, I can barely believe it. It’s okey if people think Im silly and overthinking this but it is truly a dream come true. This is what I want, what I’ve been working for and what I’ll do in the future.

And Im very happy of the support I’ve got from my family and the few friends who bothers to stick around. It makes me proud to know that you guys believe in me and wants to help out so I can get this chance, even the job hopefully.

 

In a few days I might trade the dressage against racing

What scares me the most is.. that I havent been riding a racehorse for God knows how long. I’ve spent all afternoon practising, reading up and learning about the horses pedigrees, the trainers horses and their victories, what to do, how to do it, what to remember.. Im preparing as much as possible. If the riding goes meeh, I might impress him enough with my knowledge and he’ll give me a chance anyway. I hope so.. Fingers crossed!

A false friend is like a shadow:

In the sunshine, you can never get rid of him – in the rain, he vanish without a trace

Peaceful

There’s so much that matters, that affects our lives whether we like it or not. No matter how good things look, every day is a struggle – a struggle to keep it like that, because even when you’re on top there isn’t much needed to bring you back down again.

Currently, Im feeling peaceful. I’ve told myself to let go and move on and it’s working. Going through one day at a time, sorting one mess at a time, Im slowly making progress and see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even tho I know it might change soon, more stuff will block my way, I somehow sense a purpose and a invisible hand is there to keep me up when life tries to beat me down.

I feel loved.

Returning

So Im back again after a few days of.. stuff. It’s been bday-hiding and my beloved Muffinz ruined my computer so I spent a day sorting it out. Thanks Thim for the help 🙂

Lately I have made some difficult and heartbreaking decisions and I somehow think I owe a short explanation. The two main subject pretty much share the same reason; be a man ffs.

Decision 1 – No, Im sick of you: I’ve been chasing you around for a year or more now and Im sick of it. No more. You’re not worth it. If you do like me, be a man ffs and tell me instead of keeping up this annoying games.

Decision 2 – No, Im not going: Im going through a quite rough time and I cant handle much outside myself atm, some days I cant barely handle myself. I need some time to reconsider my life and find a new plan before being able to face the real world again.

 

But to cheer this up a bit..

Word of the year; pantronising – when you patronise someone with underwear

Countdown

Lets play a game! Find two errors in the picture above. Winner will get one of the cokebottles, so answer nooooow!

Naah, Im joking. I really appreciate the thought my father and sister had behind this but I cant help asking myself.. Why is it wrong date on the envelope?

Also, while sitting here with a increasing frustration, trying to poke the bottle open by using a spoon, I wonder if my sister knew that I dont have a opener when she decided to buy me the bottles. The annoyed part of me said “she does, I’ve complained about always forgetting to get one” while the extinct patient part of me says “it’s okey, you shouldnt drink that much anyway. Maybe the fact that it takes 20 min to open this freaking stupid bottle will teach you a lesson”.

And why, just why, get a whipped cream-only-cake to a person who hates whipped cream? Im just asking..

The closer I get to my birthday, the deeper under the blanket I try to hide each morning, before kicking myself out of bed (mostly only because my cat is being annoying and only way to stop her is to give her breakfast). Alot of people finds their birthday exciting and awesome, but to me it just means another year passing by, making me older, and proving that I havent managed to get anything done – at all. Every year I have a mid-life crisis. Also, celebrating the birthday means meeting relatives and they’ll always ask what Im working with, if Im seeing someone, how succesfull I am, what my plans are and so on, and then compare it to everyone else. With my sister having her kid, the question “when are you going to settle down and get children” started to sneak in. Now when my brother also has a kid that question has started out to be more of a statement; “well, we have a grandson and a granddaughter, and she dont have partner, job or money, so why would we expect her to give us another grandchild..” At the same time as I feel reliefed that there’s no preassure on me, I want to tell them that only reason I dont have a kid is because I know better. Would they care? Not really. To them, it seems, kids are more important then safety and money and a steady relationship. So yeah, Im 23, and since when did that mean Im supposed to have 3 kids already? I dont see why I would get one either, I rather live my life to 120% now and get a child when I’m calm and have done everything that’s stupid and feel Im ready to settle down and know my life is secured and the guy Im with will stay with me for a very very long time (not like a guy has a chance to go anywhere when I’ve put my claws around him, but still). Children are never meant to be a way to save a doomed relationship, or be used as a excused to drop out of school or stay home from work, neither be something that’s mean to keep someone from feeling lonely or bored. I do adore and respect my brother and sister, but when I see my sister sometimes I feel sorry for both her and her son. Getting a child is such a big step and you really need to be prepared – because you’ll find yourself standing there and realising you have no clue whatsoever, and if you have started without a clue you’ll be totally chanceless. Everything you do, even if its not directed against the kid, will affect how it turns out. If you mess it up once, you’re screwed. I look at all young parents and tells myself that I would never – never – put that kind of responsibility on my shoulders unless Im 100% sure I can offer my child a good and safe future.

Im still young and stupid, that’s what I tell everyone who asks when Im gonna settle down and have kids. Im too young and stupid, but I dont mind – I got a few more years to live.

Faith

I always try to think that when destiny closes a door, it always opens a new one,  but sometimes I just cant help feeling that destiny is leaving me in a room without any open doors. Im a fool and I get dragged into the same misery as everyone else, no matter how much Im struggling to stay away from it. Its a Sea of Sin (Depeche Mode, sidenote).

I like to have control, to maintain a distance to everything and observe. I dont want to be in the centrum of drama, it makes me feel uncomfortable and misplaced. For some reason I keep ending up there, center of attention, I keep getting pulled into the maelstrom of life and i suffer every second I have to be a part of the diseased human nature. Attraction, intimacy, passion. Love makes you stronger? Pfft. Love is a tool of torture, of humiliation and a way for destiny to remind everyone of their biggest weaknesses; the need of being needed.

If it’s true that we live only for ourselves, then why is the only thing we chase someone else?

I go liquid when you come around
And I know
I go solid but don’t get me wrong
Yes I go
I love to watch you when you mess around
With my mind
I’m pathetic but only this time
Who knows?

And I say…
It’s no more a secret
Go solid, I go liquid
Oh me…
If it’s the love that we live for how come I didn’t know?
Show me an easy way out
Show me an easy way out

Forget the love ‘n’ get back in the line
With yourself
Try to accept the place where you belong
You belong
I love to teach you though you already know
This time
Stay in touch if you’re planning to go
Below

And I say…
It’s no more a secret
Go solid, I go liquid
Oh me…
If it’s the love that we live for how come I didn’t know?
Show me an easy way out
Show me an easy way out

The Rasmus – Liquid

Cowardice

So.. I sit here, tied up in a car driven by an alcoholic and I can’t affect what is to come. May the hit be harsh and merciless, so I don’t have be part of this damned suffering. Drug my feelings and thoughts with music, the only thing that is worth living for, and God knows that I won’t give up as long as there is music. All I want is to break down and cry, I’m a bomb, to the limit filled with anxiety and my whole life rendered unbearable by the desire to get out of here. Everything is God’s fault, it is he who imprisoned me in this deserted forest where everyone live for the pre-determined. Let me be, let me die now and disappear, let me act as the ending in a film. Why are all deep and smart people unattainable or so smart that they are stupid? There is no middle ground. There is nothing that’s enough.

Useless language. Why can’t you be enough? Why can’t you offer a better range of shades and opportunities? Useless, worthless. And I’m part of it. I am worthless because I follow the same stream as everyone else. But are you a coward if you flee? And what would I escape from? Disadvantages and advantages fills every paper I see and pens dry out where they stand at attention. Can’t stand to see them, can’t be bothered to know that there’s more of them. What do they mean? What good are they doing? Are the pens more important than me? Maybe. Maybe not.

My life is one big self-deception and I sit inside for moderately ill-deeds, to a moderately high court and get a moderately long sentence. Sentenced for what? Can you get sentenced to have been dead for so many years without knowing? I want to know, why are no one telling me, although Im asking? I pray and I ask, but no one understands me. Lost, I want to know the answer to all riddles and I want to know if you love me but it doesnt work that way. It doesnt work that way due to all rules of a game no one has set up, because deep down we know that there are no rules. There’s not even a game. We just want to have anything to support us with when we fall, but I have fallen without the support and yes, I hit the ground and I limp and I still feel sore. But I stand, I walk and for the gods to know, I’m ready to throw myself out in front of a train to prove that I won’t let anything get in my way. Suicide, selfish murder. Don’t want to be selfish, don’t intend to be. Don’t want to die, have probably never wanted. Know anyway that I never had the courage. Cowardice. Despise, scorn – despise cowardice. If you want to do it, you can do it – I didn’t want to die so I didn’t die, I wanted to stand up and reach divinity, and here I am. I’m not down among the rest of you. I only crave. I wonder why it’s so empty and lonely here. Alone in a car driven by an alcoholic and my mind spins like the wheels, doesn’t stop when the brake is pressed down in panic and the asphalt is a sacred beauty, cool, summer breeze, it’s spring and just in time because the life is mine and only mine.

Can’t be bothered with that. Time to go now. Take the time off and leave everyone, search for answers and just be on my way. Fulfill every dream I have and never take anything for granted, never take responsibility, and finally just be the one I was born to – someone who is on its way to cross the borders. Rebellious. Such an incredibly beautiful word. Teach me more, now, before it’s too late. Bless all who have created a life and is happy, bless your music and bless all who go against the stream, for I intend to eradicate it. No stream.. what would people do? Maybe travel up to the clouds, to me. So I don’t have to be so lonely. Who needs to know what others think when you can listen to yourself.

Now Im gonna live. Plan a trip to nowhere, hin und zurück to paradise.

Obsession

The reason why I prefer running is because of the focus on your rythm – your heartbeats, your breathing, your feet against the ground. If you lose focus, you’ll lose the rythm. There’s no time or need to think, I like that. Whenever I get time to think, I just tend to twist and turn my thoughts around until eternity. They become Rubik’s cube in my head, and I cant put them down until I’ve finished them or they’ve made me so frustrated Im throwing them away. Ofc, if I do throw them away to tend to just bounce around and come back sooner or later. It’s driving me insane, the constantly why, when, what, who, how, really, no way-thoughts.

For example, I know I shouldnt be so into him. It’s doomed to failure. So why do I keep wishing things were different? I really should avoid doing things I want to do, and only do things I dont want to do. If I would, life would be so much easier. Whenever a voice in my head says “do it! do it!” I should just ignore it and do something else. As it works now, I seem to just throw myself into situations where I just want, want, want, and never can get. Like him. Or situations where I know its wrong to keep going, we both know, and still I cant stop it.

Still.. I dont feel guilty about it. Not much, not often atleast. And no matter how much I twist and turn my Rubik’s cube-thoughts, I never seem to get any clear answers. Im stuck in a grey-zone, and the things I want is always in my sight but still out of reach – but does that makes them wrong to try and get? Is it wrong to chase something I might never get? Is it wrong to try as long as you dot get a no?

Doing things I shouldnt seems to be my obsession..

Digress

Still no answer. And yes, I do know I repeat myself – quite alot too. There’s plenty of reasons why tho – I try to realise it’s for real, Im scared shitless, the waiting makes me frustrated and it means alot to me. Also, Im not much for changes, I like my secure spot and routines. I like to feel safe.

Subject of the day is.. Nosy. Alot of my friends call themselves nosy for some reason I havent figured out yet. Nosy might not be the right word for me, but I’ll stick to it because I cant find anything that suits better atm.

“I dont mean to be nosy but..” is starting to feel common when I speak to people and it makes me wonder – why do you want to know this? Is it because you’re interested or just like gossip? I know my reason and it’s neither of those two. I want to know because I need to compare. Your life vs my life. Everything matters; feelings, details, why, when, how.. If we’re two about it, doesn’t it makes us a bit more normal? The more who has felt or done it that way, the more common it is, and if something is common it must be normal. Am I right?

I’ve always been good at questioning things, but it has never occurred to me to question my own life. Is this kind of life normal? Is it normal to feel this way? My point isnt to become normal, but to know what is. If I – or people around me – had questioned me being so quiet, maybe my life would have been different now. If I had been able to ask myself “is it normal to be like this?” maybe I would have try change it. But what could a kid do about that? I didnt have any control over my life until I was 19, atleast. Sometimes I still dont have control. Is it normal to not have control over your own life at this age? Im 23 in a few weeks (according to rumours I’ve heard) and everytime I think I have control it just crashes. Isnt that amazing? Every single time. You work really hard to solve everything then you relax for 2 sec while things go smooth and then BAM. Back to the bottom.

Meaning of life; forever trying to make the life decent.

Is that normal?

I want to see a huge survey where people have to answer about their life with the options;

A. Life is always on top, the sun is always shining and I got everything I want

B. Flatline – no ups, no downs

C. If there’s a God, he/she/it hates me with a passion

I bet my last bottle of coke on that the majority would go for C. Maybe B. I dont think it’s normal to always be on top, there will always be things to moan about or things that’s not turning out as you want to. It’s part of life. Everyone has it. Or well, yeah, most people. Ofc there’s some that does live a A-life, where everything is perfect, but I think they’re few. Even when you’re famous, irch and powerful there’s things that can go wrong and will go wrong, no matter what you do. And no matter how hard they try to hide the fact that they have regular problems, others will find out. Because people are nosy.

And yeah, that’s the worst “wrapping up” ever. Im tired, drunk, about to give up about stuff and I dont see the point in.. pretty much anything. If there’s a God he/she/it does hate me with a passion. And Im not on about the work. There’s other stuff that makes me question what’s normal and not, stuff as in people. People as in.. Whatever.

Is it normal to feel that love sucks and the only reason to actually bother with it is that you would be a sad bastard if you didnt?

I quit smoking if life quit being mean to me